Today’s generation really challenge the boundaries and rules we grew up with. I’m referring to us Boomers and Gen X who are parenting Millennials and Gen Z.
At an early age, they began questioning us and there was no “because I said so” answer! They have never ending whys.
They rebel, they defy everything we believe in. What do we do?
The real question is not What do we do? It’s What CAN we do?
We really have no power over our children. They don’t play the power of hierarchy game.
Sitting in a corner and sadly blaming yourself for how you brought them up, isn’t going to give you a redo. Whenever you find yourself going down that path, remind yourself you did the best you could within your ability and resources.
Back to the present. What can you do when your children make shocking decisions? Dropping out of college. Converting – religion, gender. Coming out of the closet. That’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Firstly, you cannot live vicariously through them. You cannot force your child to take ballet classes just because your dream was to be a ballerina. Neither can you force a career or a profession onto them. They are not us! They have their own aspirations.
Secondly, our children should not be held accountable for the sacrifices we made for them. They didn’t ask to be born, nor did they ask you to make those sacrifices.
We feel we have experience on our side and are better equipped to know what’s best. Maybe. But there are also times the rebel proves his point. Which means we are not always right. We may know the pros and cons of the decision but you can leave it to the young ones to figure it out (often eventually).
Back to the question What can we do when the children making unexpected decisions?
Have a working relationship with your children. At least they will tell you before they do anything.
Have open communication. Show an interest in what the do, what they enjoy, which they are dating…
Give advice not instructions. Hear them out! Listen carefully. There might be some merit in their ideas.
Ask questions. To get a better picture of their thought process, get all the details. Ask about their contingency plan. Ask, ask and ask. Their excitement and their fears will soon come pouring out.
If your child shuts down when questioned, check your tone. Is it accusatory or judgemental? That won’t work. You probably need to go back to step one which is having a working relationship with your adult child.
Show support. Their decision is made. You have tried to talk them out of it – you have tried to reason with them – now you have to accept it and support them.
They will need to make their own mistakes. All you can do is be there to pick them up. And maybe next time, they will heed your advice.
At some point, we have to let go. We have an imaginary path we expect each child to follow but they detour and reroute a lot. As parents, we chase after them to get back to the trail but instead, trust yourself that you taught them to make sound decisions and trust them.
If they fall, which they will, never, ever say “I told you so” or “I did warn you”. Let them realise, “Da*n! She told me not to!”
All you have to do is be there to mend them!
That’s our job as parents of grown up children. Nothing more, nothing less!
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